


Nightmare

by Johnstonmara353



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25564147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johnstonmara353/pseuds/Johnstonmara353
Relationships: Alicia Florrick/Kalinda Sharma
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	Nightmare

Nightmare

Alicia/Kalinda

Summary: Alicia wakes in the middle of the night to Kalinda thrashing and whimpering.

His hand flew to her cheek so fast she didn’t have a chance to react to the closed fist that made contact with her chin again. His actions were more violent. The impact left her head spinning. She tasted blood on her lip and tried not to let him know how much he’d hurt her. Her eyes reconnecting with his. She held back the tears that were threatening to fall, she would not give him the satisfaction of knowing he was getting to her. Knowing that she was on the verge of showing her fear and pain. Knowing that she was about to break.

Nick stood up, came around the her side of the table, his hand winding in the hair on the back of her head. He smirked before he jerked her from the chair and threw her on the bed. The gash in her head began to burn as the hair were ripped from her scalp. She could feel the blood running down the back of her neck. Could smell the iron in the air. Her ankle twisted in the chain as she fell, ripping the skin. She could hear him laughing as she tasted blood in the back of her throat. Leela pushed yourself back to her knees, raising her head to face him. Mentally, she was stronger than him. She was determined. Determined to win against a man who won so many times before. 

Nick ripped her dress open and bit her shoulder. Drawing blood and pain from her body. She didn’t flinch away. She couldn’t. She yelped in agony but didn’t scream as her body begged her to do. She brought her hand to his neck and pushed him away with the little strength she had. Dragging her nails across the sensitive skin. She was fighting as hard as she could but he was so much stronger than she was. He pinned her to the mattress. Her back pressing deeper into the blood stained material. He released the front clasp on her bra and pushed it off both her shoulders and leaned down to take one of her breasts in his mouth then bit hard enough to draw blood. He laughed as her body tensed. Still she remained silent. He wanted to break her, to make her feel empty. And she knew he eventually would. She knew her body and mind could only process so much before it broke down completely. He licked the blood away from her chest, then slapped her across the face. “You’re gonna look good dead.” He whispered in her ear.

“Please, stop!” It was a plead. A plead of a woman that wanted the world to stop turning for a single second. She didn’t care that the tears were flowing freely now and she was essentially begging for her life. She wanted to live. 

Nick reached down and pulled her panties from her body. She felt exposed, vulnerable. He held her hands above her head and looked down at her, he tried to kiss her. His lips tasted like salt. But there was none of the gentleness that a lover offered, this was an assault, a man taking what was his whether she was or not. Leela clenched her legs together and tried to fight him off in the only way she had left. She kicked and moved as much as she could trying to throw him off of her. But her body wasn’t strong enough. She watched as he undid his belt and lowered his zipper; releasing himself. Pure terror took over her body. She could feel her heart pounding in her throat. Her body began to tremble uncontrollably. Without warning or thought she felt him slam into her. Her body finally going into shock. All logical leaving her mind. She screamed in pain as he ripped her apart. Her screams did nothing to stop him, it seemed as if they spurred him on. He pounded into her over and over again mercilessly. His breath hot on her neck. Staining her skin. She turned her head away so she didn’t have to look at him but he grabbed her face viciously between one hand and forced her to meet his gaze. “Keep your eyes open.” He panted between thrusts but took no pity on her. Then he stopped and pulled out of her. “Turn over.”

Her head thrashed from side to side. Her hands fighting against his. This is not happening, she thought. “Please, no,”she whimpered, digging her heels into the mattress. Trying to push herself away. Nick grabbed her arm and forced her to turn over then without warning plunged into her again and laughed when she screamed loudly in pain. His hand against the back of her head pressed hard on the deep gashthat still openly bled. Her vision was beginning to fade. Her body losing the fight to stay conscious. 

“I told you, no one leaves me.” But his words went unnoticed. His evil laugh rang in her ears. She felt nothing but the pain from his thrusts, she’d shut down her emotions and hoped it would be over soon. She screamed in pain when he grabbed her hair and pulled her head back further than it was ever meant to go. She felt the tendons and muscles in her neck stretch beyond their limits. “How does that feel, you like that?” He threw her head forward, but continued to thrust into her without mercy.

*

Alicia hears the almost silent whimpering before she felt the bed move beside her. She had never been a heavy sleeper, but in the last few years Alicia had begun to wake with every sound. She gave credit to the years of listening for her children to make a sound. But even as she heard it, she didn’t move. She knew her lover had dreams, sometimes violent ones, but usually she calmed herself. And she knew the younger woman preferred it that way. Just as the first low groan and thrash began, Alicia pushed the covers from her body and turned over. 

Kalinda’s face was covered in sweat and shown pure fear. The tears flowed freely from her closed eyes. She had kicked the covers off in her sleep and Alicia could still see the scars that littered the caramel thighs. Could see the muscles in the younger woman’s thighs clench with every low moan. The arm thrown over her head was tense; her fist clenching the pillow between her fingers. 

Alicia gently leaned over her lover, running a gentle hand up her tense arm. Her fingers caressing the investigator’s, begging the muscles to remember her touch and relax. “Kalinda...”she whispered in her ear. Wanting to coax her back carefully. Waiting for her voice to penetrate wherever her partner had gotten trapped. 

Kalinda thrashed and cried out. Tears streaming down her face. “Please...stop...” she whimpered.

Alicia stroked her face tenderly, brushing the hot tears away before new ones followed. It wasn’t the nightmare the attorney had to coax her partner from, but as Kalinda continued to cry out, the fear ran through Alicia’s body. This was the worst nightmare. The most violent. “Kalinda...time to wake up.”

Kalinda gasped as the hand came down on her cheek again. She could see his face hovering over her, laughing. Wrapping his hands around her throat. “I can’t breath...” she gasped. 

“Yes you can, baby.” She smoothed a hand down Kalinda’s cheek, brushing the hair from her face. “Come on, baby. Come back to me,” she whispered against her ear. Hoping she could hear her voice through the terror. 

With a sharp gasp, Kalinda’s eyes flew open. Her entire body tensed. It was dark. A shadow hovered above her. A hand was in her hair. But she smelled Alicia. Smelled her lavender body lotion and coconut deodorant. She could feel her lovers’ naked body against her side. Kalinda could feel her chest aching from the panic and moaned loudly as she reached for Alicia’s hand. “Leesh...” she whispered.

Alicia leaned down, nuzzling her nose against Kalinda’s cheek. “I'm right here.”

Kalinda grasped Alicia’s hand within her own. Bringing them down to her chest. Her heart was still hammering in her throat. She could barely catch her breath. “Please don’t move,” she whispered against Alicia’s cheek.

Alicia relaxed her body. Leaning against her elbow for support. Breathing slowly against her lover’s cheek. “Not until you tell me.”

Kalinda’s face finally broke. Her hand cover her eyes as if to hide. Feeling embarrassed that she was no longer able to control her emotions. After ten years of holding her emotions deep inside herself was more than her heart could bare. “Why won’t he just leave me alone?”

Alicia smoothed a hand along her forehead. Placing butterfly kisses along her wet cheek. “He’s gone, baby. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

The investigator rolled into Alicia’s arms. Burying her face in the older woman’s neck. Needing to be held but not wanting to ask. She could still feel the pain in her head when Nick hit her with the butt of the gun. Could still feel the cracked ribs as they punctured her lung. Her entire body felt like a crime scene all over again. Every nightmare. Every flashback was like it was happening to her body over and over again. “He’s never gonna be gone. He’s always gonna be in my head.”

Alicia held her to her chest with a gentle hand on her back. Giving Kalinda the option to pull away when she needed to. She could feel the tears running down her bare chest. She wanted to brush her own tears away but was too afraid of startling Kalinda to move. She needed to calm and stillness that Alicia had always offered. “You survived. You fought back and won, baby. You’re still living.”

“I can’t live like this anymore,” she gasped, wanting so desperately to compose herself, but the gate was already open. “I can’t handle him being in my head anymore. I fucking hate him. I wanted him dead. I wanted him to suffer. But he’s still in my head.” 

Alicia kissed her forehead. They had been married for over a year, but Kalinda had never talked about the abuse and her partner tried not to ask. Kalinda had kept that part of herself hidden away for so long. All Alicia could do was comfort her when she woke up terrified in the middle of the night. Or remove her from a crowded meeting as a panic attack started to set in. She couldn’t take away her lover’s pain. She couldn’t heal the permanent scars that were scattered across her soul. Three months before they got married, Alicia unearthed the file that Kalinda never wanted her to see. The charges against Nick. The kidnapping, rape, and torture of the woman she loved. Alicia read every detail. Saw every picture that was taken while she was unconscious in the hospital bed. Alicia knew every detail that Kalinda didn’t want her to know, but she never told her that. She needed her partner to tell her. To share that night with her. Alicia ran her hand through Kalinda’s black curls. Her fingers moving over the scar on the back of the young woman’s neck. The investigator didn’t remember how she got it, but Alicia knew. “Then tell me what happened. Tell me about that night. Get him out of your head, baby.”

Kalinda moved from Alicia’s arms. The cool air hitting her hot skin caused a fresh wave of anger rush through her body. She wanted to be in Alicia’s arms. All she craved was the comfort and safety she provided, but she couldn’t. And she hated Nick more and more with every passing moment,, just like she has with every nightmare. Burying her face in the pillow, she screamed as loud as she could. Screaming all the pain and fear in to her purple satin pillow. She could feel Alicia’s hand against her back running soothing circles up and down her spine. She groaned and clenched the pillow as she tried to clear her mind. Trying to turn off his voice that was inside her head. She could hear him laughing as she covered her ears. Through the haze, she could feel Alicia lips against her knuckles, her fingers still rubbing lightly over her back. “I told him I was leaving him,” she started with a whimper, lowering her hands as Nick’s laughter finally faded away. Turning her face to look at her partner and to catch her breath. She needed to see Alicia. She needed to smell her scent. It always grounded her. Kalinda moved back into Alicia’s arms, calming at her partners warm smile. “I filed for divorce after his trafficking case started. I hadn’t even told the police about the abuse. The only person I told was my divorce attorney. I had a meeting with her on Friday morning. When I got back home, Nick was already waiting for me. I handed him the divorce papers and told him I was leaving.” 

She searched Alicia’s eyes for the strength she hadn’t realized she needed. Remembering those final clear moments as if they had happened only a few days ago. “I was in our bedroom, packing a bag when I was hit from behind. In the police report, it said he hit me with the butt of his gun, but I don’t remember. I don’t know how long I was out.” Kalinda wiped the tears from her face with anger in her eyes. She had refused to read the police report and had refused to look at the photographs that were taken from evidence. She never asked the doctor to explain her injuries in detail and never asked the police any details they didn’t provide her. As the tears blurred her vision, she reached out for Alicia’s hand. Squeezing it as she brought it to her chest. “When I woke up, I was lying on our bed. My hands were above my head. I could feel the handcuffs rubbing against my wrists. I could hear them clink against the bed frame when I moved. He had taken my clothes off while I was unconscious. I remember I couldn’t focus. He had drugged me with something. But I could still see him in the corner of the room; smiling.” It was the smile that haunted every nightmare. Every time she closed her eyes, that sadistic smile was there to welcome her. She squeezed Alicia’s hand harder, her breath calming slightly at her lovers’ touch. “I couldn’t fight him off when he climbed on top of me. He raped me with a knife to my throat. The first time was the easiest. Nick was almost gentle. He figured he could break me out of fear. When he saw it didn’t push me, the second and third time was so much worse,” she moaned softly against the pillow. Remembering the knife between her legs. Remembering the pain as he ran the knife through the blood and semen that had already began to pour out of her. He took his time, cutting her most intimate parts slowly. Every few minutes, he threatened to plunge the knife inside her. In the end, it was mental exhaustion that broke her. She took the physical pain in stride, but he terrified her every second for three days. As she caught Alicia eyes, she remembered why she never told that part of the story. It was break Alicia. Just like it had broken her all those years ago. “He fractured my ribs when I called him a bastard. Burned my skin with cigarettes when I bit him. Choked me until I passed out. And that was between the times he forced my legs open. I don’t remember anything after he sucker punched me and broke my jaw.”

Alicia was careful as her fingers gently touched Kalinda’s cheek. Her fingers barely grazing the tear stained skin. The touch was slow and barely made contact with her sensitive skin. Alicia had made the mistake once of startling the investigator while she was trapped in a flashback. Causing Kalinda to cower away from her for over an hour. Hiding within herself and refusing to speak. Alicia never made that mistake again. “How long?”

Kalinda closed her eyes for a moment, trying to focus on the clock that had been sitting on her night stand. She remembered watching the glowing red lights for hours. “I remember thirty-six hours of pure hell, but the prosecutors said it was about three days.” She remembered driving home. She remembered Nick already being inside despite her restraining order. But no matter how hard she tried to remember, the facts always blurred, the scenes always changed order. It was easier when the memories came on their own. 

Kalinda took a few even breaths. Her eyes still closed tight. Alicia’s soothing breath on her face grounded her. “It started Friday night after I left my divorce attorney’s office and ended early Tuesday morning. I don’t remember half of what they told me happened and the other half I never asked about. I never read the police report.” The investigator squeezed Alicia’s hand as her eyes finally connected with the bright green ones that had been holding her together for so long. “I was told, my divorce attorney came to the house when I missed our appointment and her multiple phone calls. She called the police before coming to the house.” As Kalinda’s eyes closed again, she could hear the sirens in the distance. Could see the red and blue lights through the window shades. Her eyes tried to focus on the person sitting beside her, but the pain in her head blinded her. She could hear the woman talking to her, but couldn’t understand what she was saying. Leela could only feel the woman’s hand on her chest, forcing her to breath. “She saved my life. She was the one that found me barely breathing still tied to that damn bed. One of my broken ribs had punctured a lung. I have a hard time remembering all the injuries listed on the doctor’s police report. I don’t remember having emergency surgery or having my jaw wired shut.” Alicia’s finger’s touched the almost invisible scar on Kalinda’s jaw line. Most people wouldn’t notice it. But most people didn’t see her without her makeup. Most people were never as close as she allowed Alicia to be. She covered her partners hand with her own, forcing Alicia’s hand to make full contact with her skin. Reveling in the comfort her partners touch caused. “All I remember is pure fear when I finally woke up in that hospital room. I couldn’t open my mouth. I could barely breath even with the oxygen mask and everything from my chest down felt like it was on fire. I remember the only thing that calmed me was the female officer they had assigned to guard me until the trial.” 

Kalinda slightly smiled as she remembered the dark haired woman that sat with her every day. She almost reminded her of Alicia. The gentleness in her touch. The calm in her voice no matter what they were talking about. It took two days after she woke up for her to be able to see the woman’s face. But for two days she listened to her voice. “She was in her mid-thirties. She never moved from the chair next to my bed. She held my hand. She never stopped talking to me when I couldn’t see. Even when I couldn’t say anything, she never stopped talking. I was in the hospital for two weeks and she sat by my bed every day. Sometimes she would tell me about my husbands’ cases. Other days she would talk about her kids.” Her eyes returned to Alicia’s. Her lips running lightly over her partner’s knuckles. “On the last day I was in the hospital, she told me Nick had been killed by police trying to board a bus to the states,” she whispered against the warm skin. Glancing away to stop new tears from falling. “I cried for the first time. I was finally free of him. I was safe. I never had to see him again.” she paused, catching her breath. She watched Alicia’s face fail to waver. As Kalinda’s fingers tightened around her wrist, she smiled. Waiting patiently for her to continue. “Then the nightmares started. At first, it was only at night. Only when I was alone and it was dark. Then it started to happen while I was working. Following suspects, talking to witnesses, sitting in meetings with the partners became unbearable. Flashbacks. Freezing when I was touched from behind. Crying for no reason except for the fact that I caught a familiar smell. I saw the rape crisis counselor for a year. I saw a PTSD specialist when I moved to Chicago. I still see a therapist twice a week and I still can’t get him out of my head.” She cried out quietly, her anger and frustration pouring into her pillow. “I took the pills. I did everything they told me to do and I’m still in my own hell.”

Kalinda buried her face in Alicia’s neck, finally going to her. Taking comfort in her warmth. Her nails digging into the pale flesh of Alicia’s back. The sobs were ripped from her throat, only muffled by the woman’s pale shoulder. The tears that fell, soaked the pillow beneath them as Kalinda’s body shook with sobs. “I don’t want to be in the dark anymore,” she moaned as Alicia brought the blanket around her back. She shivered as Alicia’s hand ran up and down her spine. Kalinda took a deep breath, finally feeling her partner’s scent surrounding her. 

Alicia kissed her cheek, feeling the investigator sigh under her gentle touch. Her face hot and wet against her neck. Her sobs beginning to turn into light hiccups. Her breathing was beginning to slow. Alicia had seen many nightmares. Had experienced the panic attacks and flashback first hand. But she had never experienced Kalinda’s breakdown. She had never seen the investigator completely unguarded. Had never felt pain the way she was feeling Kalinda’s. And as her eyes briefly caught the dark brown one’s, she could see the darkness disappearing. Could see the peace returning to a place that hadn’t been in years. She slowly tilted the younger woman’s chin, kissing her softly. “You told me,” she whispered against the dry, chapped lips. Brushing the back of her hand along the soft flesh of her cheek. “You finally told me what happened. Your fighting with everything you have to stay out of the dark. Let us help you.”

“You help me every day,” she whispered before resting her head against the pillow. Her eyes closed. Leela was dead. Nick was dead. And for once in her life, the investigator didn’t have any secrets from the person she loved. She was now completely exposed. Ten years ago, she would have hated the feeling of vulnerability that was radiating through her body. But as Alicia’s fingers gently traced down her neck, the vulnerability made her feel safe. Because Alicia would allow her to fall back into the dark again. 

As Kalinda began taking deeper and slower breaths, they startled as a coughing fit began in the next room. The investigator’s eyes glanced at the clock. “I got it,” she said, throwing her legs over the side of the bed. Her body feeling lighter then it had in over five years. 

Grace had been battling a bad spout of pneumonia for the last two weeks. Coughing fits and breathing treatments in the middle of the night. Constant antibiotics and trips to the doctor’s office. Kalinda took most of the night time treatments. She was the only one that could do Grace’s back treatments. The only one that could complete the entire routine in less than ten minutes and have the miserable teen back to sleep without the tears and fighting. Grace had come to expect Kalinda at night. But Alicia didn’t feel tonight was the night. She ran a hand down Kalinda’s back as she was pulling her night shirt and shorts back over her chilled skin. “I can do it,” she offered, shifting closer to Kalinda’s side of the bed. 

Kalinda waited a moment, her head buried in her hands. She heard the coughing stop suddenly and a few gasping breaths come from the other side of the wall. “Ammi...” It was loud enough for the both to hear. It warmed her heart that someone needed her. That she was calling for her instead of Alicia. The investigator turned and smiled as Alicia laid back against the pillows. “I’ve got her.”

Kalinda hurried from the bedroom as another round of coughing began. She rounded the corner to Grace’s room, finding her sitting on the side of the bed. The investigator sat down next to, one leg curled under her in support. She placed an arm across Grace’s chest. She could feel the young girls grip on her arm. It was the same routine they had done every night for the past twelve nights. Compared to the first few nights, Kalinda could see the difference. Grace no longer cried with every breath she took. She only needed one breathing treatment a night instead of three. She was getting better, but for the investigator, it wasn’t happening fast enough. “Take a breath, bachchee,” she said over the hacking. She waited for Grace to take her next deep breath before her hand came down on the girls’ back; harder than Alicia would have done herself. That’s why Kalinda did the treatments. Alicia was afraid of hurting her daughter, Kalinda knew how tough Grace really was. The first bout of liquid came up from the girl’s lungs with little effort, running down the investigator's arm. It took a lot longer to get the remaining fluid to loosen enough for the girl to cough it all over the floor at her feet. As her grip loosened around Kalinda’s arm, she quickly wiped Grace’s mouth with the clean towel from the nightstand. “Done?” she asked, rubbing a hand down the girls sore back.

Grace leaned her head against Kalinda’s shoulder, eyes closed as she nodded. Her breath coming in short gasps. She groaned as Kalinda slid the mask over her face. The breathing treatment was so much harder on Grace than the constant beatings to her back. She hated the forced air. It caused her eyes to constantly water. “Just a few minutes,” the investigator whispered as she switched the device on. She leaned against the headboard, adjusting the tube before allowing Grace to lean against her shoulder and chest. The girls small hand clenched in the fabric of the investigator’s t-shirt. Kalinda’s hand laid over the top of hers. “Chin up, bachchee,” she whispered. She watched as Grace tucked her chin tighter against Kalinda’s chest. The investigator smirked at her stubbornness and moment of attachment. “Chin up or I go get mom. And you know she’s not as nice as I am,” she said as she kissed the top of her head.

Grace moaned as she tilted her head up. The air beginning to flow freely to her lungs. It was true, Alicia would have made Grace endure her entire treatment sitting on the side of the bed. Kalinda was softer with the children. More attentive and nurturing then she should be when they were sick. They weren’t babies, that’s what Alicia kept telling her, but it was how her mother raised her. Even in her teens, Kalinda would cuddle in her arms when she was ill. Craving her mother’s touch. She was the only daughter and was always showered with both her parent’s affection. She wanted to give the comfort she felt to Alicia’s kids. 

After five minutes of the machine running, Kalinda shut it off and helped Grace remove the mask. The young girl wiped her nose on the back of her hand as she buried her face in her step-mother’s chest. Kalinda pulled the blanket around them and set the mask on the table. It was the worst part of Grace being so sick; the constant breathing treatments that caused her so much discomfort. She couldn’t sleep on her back and sleeping on her side caused her to cough harder. So, she rested against Kalinda’s chest. She kissed her forehead as Grace began to doze off again. Her hand gripping the fabric of her caregiver’s nightshirt. “Don’t leave, Ammi,” she whispered before her eyes finally closed. 

Kalinda smiled. Alicia appeared in the doorway, a sleepy smile on her face. “Never,” was the last words Grace heard as sleep finally took her.


End file.
